I'm Not Dead

Just watched The Time Traveller's Wife in Cineleisure yesterday, and it made me CRY like CRAZY.

Haha I get emotional so easily.

Marley and me! Totally made me cry, the ending.

I am SICK!

And I absolutely abhor the beast who makes life hell in camp.

Thank God I've got good friends to tide me through.

7am tmr I'll be sitting in a training shed being assimilated into Combat Engineers.

This one week of block leave has been nothing short of fabulous.

From taking a break at home and spending time with family, to going on a cruise with Ashley and Lester, to going shopping at every possible place with Ashley (and finding all the budget buys!), to hanging out with Cornelius for lunch (incidentally, we went shopping as well lol, but that was an afterthought to lunch) - all these precious moments... probably pretty much mundane and bleh to the common person. But not for me. I have never, I repeat, never, had the luxury of all these ever since stepping into army, and boy am I grateful. I just don't take things for granted anymore.

I wish I could say it's gonna be alright.

But I can't cause I know it's not, and I don't wanna lie to myself. It's not just what I think, it's what everyone (including Ashley's ex civics tutor) has been saying, their reaction to my vocation. So much dread.

The fun is ending.

And I'm feeling depressed once again, alone with my computer, crying over God knows what.

WHY MUST THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?

Same feeling everytime I'm booking in. Same sense of misery, of dread, of... of sadness.

I wish I could stop crying.

I cry too much. Not manly they say.

Not that I mind. It's probably better than whacking a pillow or something like that.

I'll miss every one of you. Especially you.

Thank you for the memories.

A Tribute to Life

There comes a point when life
Oh life becomes so dreary
The weight of carrying on
Heavy as an anchor
Slows time
Holds you down

Or eats you up
Like a giant monster awakening from hibernation
The dread you feel
Everytime its flames flicker
Tongues threatening to burn you
Scares you

Or it chooses to burn
Your skin after too much time in the sun
The sting of a scorpion
Pain you think you cannot live through
Sears, courses through your body
Till you can't move

Still life is flowers
Blooming red and pink and yellow
On a field of gold buttercups and purple lavenders
Time heals all aches
And better memories salve wounds
So life continues

I really don't want to go. But, it's all part and parcel of being in the army. You just go where they send you, no questions asked.

I'm not sure how to describe my feelings right now. A mixture of heartache and fear and trepidation and not a shred of excitement. It's dreadful, cause I'm going to do things I don't want to do.

So many things happening at once, so little time. One and a half hours till I leave my house, and it's horrible. I don't even want to think about it.

Laughing With

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

Regina Spektor

WOW. The lyrics are AMAZING. And her voice is, simply put, pure. Most people probably don't know her at all, so I thought I'd introduce Regina here. Wow. I'm still shivering at the sheer power of this song. It's so very true what the song says, that no one laughs at God in times of need. And this, juxtaposed with the chorus in which she brings up the trivial situations when people do actually laugh at God. In fact it seems more as though the people are laughing at those who try to make fun of God, i.e. the "crazies who say He hates us".

Simple melody, simple lyrics, but oh so powerful.

Got posted to Combat E instead of Signals, which is kinda like giving up heaven for hell. I hope I survive.

This blog has been dead for quite some time, hasn't it?

Time to revive them vampires and prepare to get some writing done!

Actually the main reason I'm doing this is cause I'm bored. Boredom strikes us as the weirdest of times. It's like, I want to have time outside of army, and once I have it, if I don't spend it actively doing things I end up becoming bored. It's like, flitting from computer to tv to book back to computer to tv to book. Perhaps I need a hobby. I just don't know what to do though. I could shop, since I like it, but there's a limit to how much I can due to the fact that my money's not endless (it's a meager 796 dollar allowance).

Guess I'm facing a one-fifth life crisis (assuming I live till I'm 95 xD).

Lemme see. I haven't exactly been the most outstanding of persons, and I haven't exactly accomplished anything out of the ordinary. I'm plain, ordinary me. Most people would be comfortable with the notion of that, but the problem with me is that I used to dream of doing so many big things. I know, anyone can just criticise me for sitting on my fat ass and not getting a grip on my on life and moving on. It's my fault, I know. It's boredom, too. Bored with routine, bored with mundane, and strangely, bored with trying to break out of it. Vicious cycle, isn't it?

I don't know how many of you have experienced this. I hope few do.

Disconnected. Like a plug from a socket. There's no more electricity, nothing left to drive this huge hulk of a machine.

And I don't know what I wanna be in the future anymore. A teacher? A businessman? A playwright? A novelist? Or just another forgotten worker amongst the millions in a corporation?

I don't know, and I'm tired of thinking.

Life and it's choices. I wonder why people always highlight the importance of the individual being able to choose. Now that we have choice, we get bored of it. 

Will we ever be content?

Things haven't been going well lately. Shan't elaborate.

In other news,



Haha I think the dressing here's very casual chic - shall start moving my wardrobe in that direction.

I need a scarf! and a nice lil' vest.

Sick of all the lies, sick of all the silly things I have to say so that I'll move on with my life.

Wonder what a heart to heart talk is like? It'll never happen. Never.

Tired as I am, I'll probably just continue on as it is.

Perhaps I'll learn to take small, baby steps by being truthful to myself about what kind of person I really am.

Cause if I can't even be true to myself, and show who I really am, then I don't really know who I am, and if I do not know who I am, I do not exist to myself, and if I don't exist to myself, I cease to exist to everyone else.

Calves ache like crap. Tongue hurts like crap. Fingers have heat blisters and feel like crap.

Oh, monotony, monotony, monotony.

Oh, lies, lies, lies.

Life's so sad it ain't even worth discarding.

Oh, oh oh oh oh oh.

Feels great being out. To actually see true and actual sunshine again. It's just... a very repressive environment in there and I find myself wishing many times that I had said no. Then at least I'd be in touch with the world, in touch with everyone, in touch with myself. I've turned into a degenerate peanut butter monster whose sole mode of survival is the peanut butter bottle in the kitchenette cabinet.

Turns out my law interview's on saturday instead of friday so everything I did has gone to waste. Oh well. ><

I feel numb.

Is that a feeling?

Or an absence of feeling?

In any case, does it even matter? Fact is that I'm so numb that I don't really care about anything at all. I don't care what will happen to me in the future, I don't care what will happen to me right here right now. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Because I don't care anymore.

And who cares, anyway?

Do you?

Gotta say bye bye for now cause I'm a be confined for 3 weeks. BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE

Awww. My body's defence mechanism's making me feel nothing, which is good, because then I don't have time to mope around. But at the same time it's bad, because I'm feeling nothing at all.

Gonna book in to camp soon, on a dreary monday morning. Thanks for the love, you who gave it. Much appreciated.

Don't know what else I can do, but I'll still try for everything, and hopefully it will all work out.

What's it like to have your own brother scolding vulgarities at you?

Such insecurity within one individual. It's pretty scary how you think you know someone when you actually don't.

What's the point in trying?

None, I suppose.

If anyone asks, I’ll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare I’ll pretend that I don’t hear them talk
Whenever I see you I’ll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I’m okay with it all
Act like there’s nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry

If anyone asks, I’ll tell them we just grew apart
What do I care if they believe me or not?
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I’ll pretend I’m okay with it all
Act like there’s nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry

I’m talking in circles
I’m lying, they know it
Why won’t this just all go away?

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry

Cry

Back from camp again, and I got another silver for IPPT and improved on my timing! Haha finally I'm actually achieving something with my fitness which has been crappy in the years I've been alive. Lol. Oh well.

So far LSE and York have accepted me and Bristol has rejected me (that's cause my personal statement was about PPE and had nothing at all to do with sociology, so I kinda expected it xD) and I'm awaiting replies from UCL and Warwick. Hope the essays which I submitted to UCL were good enough to get me inside, considering how much effort I actually put into them. Actually on 2nd thought I'd rather make it to LSE than UCL and since LSE has already accepted me now that I think about it I shouldn't have bothered that much. But at least it exercised my brain, and it was fun, and solidified further my conviction that philosophy is the subject for me. =)

I've been missing the company of friends, and been feeling rather lonely as of late, so I've had to hug my big bright orange to comfort me haha. Yay. Love it so much. Hope to catch up with more people soon..

Went to Jurong Point yesterday and the extension just made the entire place HUGE, so I'm going back today to explore and have some retail therapy =D Hurray for malls! What's best is that because of the recession everyone's slashing prices to get customers and so everything's like, cheap cheap! ^^

Bugger the lonely heart.

Just came back from an immensely satisfying session of retail therapy at Orchard. Bought stuff from Far East Plaza (which is a clothing haven for teens) and became a member at one of the shops there, went to Cathay Cine to collect clothes from the same outlet cause the one at Far East didn't have stock in my size, had lunch at 4 there cause I was hungry, went to Taka to buy my Philosophy book from Kino which sells at half the price Borders does (I HEREBY DECLARE A BOYCOTT OF ALL BORDERS GOODS THOSE CHEATING SCUMBAGS), then to Tangs to meet my mum who decided to meet me in Orchard (of course I bought more stuff there, like nice underwear and an extremely cute T-shirt!)

And so here I am now. Happy me. Haha. In this aspect I'm worse than a girl, seeing as how shopping lifts my mood by so much. It's amazing haha. And I like shopping on my own. It's a different experience from shopping with company. You're just free to spend as much as you want (ok technically the amount of money you have is the same, but I'm referring to the bondages of rationality imposed by well-meaning friends)

And I got silver for my IPPT mock test. Which kinda rocks, since I ran 11.10 for my 2.4, which is like, SO UNBELIEVABLE, even to myself. But it's really all thanks to my officer, who kept pace with me. That's true leadership. xD

So. Anyone wants to hang out with me? I'm getting bored.